Terrified.

Hi Universe,

As I transition to being a parent.. I get more terrified of it. People always told me how busy I'd be, and really while that's true, the terror is what's really getting to me.. Terror about what? Overwhelming inadequacy.

I am not the type to seek approval... from anyone really.  I was probably the least popular person in school, but it never bothered me one bit.  When I came out to my parents, I was really sad for them.   I was very apprehensive about it, but I was never worried about them being  disappointed in me.  At work, I have always been loud.. never concerned about what people thought of me.

So now for the first time I desperately seek approval: and its from two zero year olds.  This of course is impossible to obtain. 

Somehow, you don't need appreciation for sacrificing your sleep, burping, and cleaning up the endless volumes of feces, urine and vomit... that is really thanked only by the OMG moments.  OMG moments are when you can laugh about how that last fecal blowout took out the whole block.

More than appreciation, I am craving approval.   You want some inclination that your doing it right.  That's essentially nonexistent when one baby has been crying for > 1 hr.  At that point you feel like someone has knocked you in the stomach, kicked you in the face and stabbed you in the heart all about the same time. Now when they both do that, you add a little bit of insanity because a part of you just wants them to shut their pie/ass/all holes for a minute.  While I dont think either of them truly has colic, a medical wastebasket term for overly fussy baby, they can both be quite dramatic.  Most of this seems to center around farting and pooping... but its sometimes unclear. But all I can say as I'm " calmly" rocking them (and now myself) is "I'm so sorry baby its gonna be ok", which I am sure if I keep repeating a few more hundred times I'll believe and they will suddenly comprehend English and have an "Aha" moment in which they look at me say "Oh I'm just farting I get it now... no biggie.Thanks papa!"

Welcome!

Hi Universe,

I am writing this as sort of a personal dumping of ideas about the many things going on around me. Consider it therapy of sorts, or maybe its documenting my life in a way I haven't done before.  Maybe it is a way for Luke and Sonya to get to know me before I was just their dad.   I'm not going back to work for several more weeks, and this project may go to the wayside once life gets even more insane, but I'll take the gift of time and walk with it.

So since I am lucky enough to have the time, Ill start by sharing a few details.  My life has really been a roller coaster.  It's a bit long, so I'll get you all caught up. I'm currently 30, only three times now,  and have been married to my husband for 2 years.  I've been out since 2006, when I basically did a 360 and life changed dramatically.  I was a devout Muslim in the past, and I'm pretty close to being a Universalist now.  I believe wholeheartedly in a few things: that fundamentally most people are good, and that the human race will always survive, even better than the cockroaches. That is because of our ability to innovate; to create a brand new world, better than world before it.  What defines if the next generation will be better than the last? Only our labor and actions.  I will never adhere to a philosophy that things were better "then", because I live in the now.  If something isnt the way you want it to be.. fix it.  Sure I've made mistakes, but the best part about living in the present and for the future is the no mistake needs to be permanent.  We can change and evolve and make tomorrow better than yesterday.   

So now, more about the babies, my two little dreams, Lukman (Luke) and Sonya.  I am currently sitting with my husband, a great man, and listening to Snow Patrol while holding these two sweeties on our chests.  There is so many emotions to all this.

My husband, Justin, is really the nicest person I know.  His heart is gentle, and he is always so kind.  We met in San Francisco, and have been together for the last four years.  I love him so much.  He makes me everyday so happy.  About two years ago, we decided to pursue surrogacy as an option to have children.  We both wanted children very much, and considered this as our best option.  After several countries, agencies, attempts later, all mostly done by amazing husband, on November 9th 2014 we were gifted with Lukman and Sonya Jensen.  Its been a whole month and they are still kicking it... (although I did drop one from the couch... I wont say which one.. S/he was suprisingly mobile).  For most gay couples, kids are a no -go. Mostly people say its too much work, etc.. couples both hetero and homo describe studies in decreasing happiness.  But to me, children are such a source of joy, warmth.. a way to learn how beautiful life is once again after you've finally got the hang of it.  People have children for many reasons,  some out of expectation, some out of happenstance, some to relive their own childhood, but I think we had kids because we believe in their future.  We want these little guys to live in that future world, contribute to it, make it a better place.  We want them to find happiness, to find love, and maybe invent that hover skateboard I've been waiting for since Back to the Future.  

Things I hope to discuss in this blog: are my passions: these cuties of course.. and my other interests.. medicine and politics.  I love following politics,  I am center left.  I fully acknowledge and appreciate all the world has given me, and I hope to help the future children of the world get the same benefits as me, hopefully without the crippling debt. :P  I believe in education, science and civil rights.  I am very lucky to be an American, but we clearly have made mistakes (the CIA torture report just came out)   I am an avid Obama supporter, because even though the middle has been left bare in politics these days, he has stuck to a moderate position in almost all things, which I respect and am proud of.  My more conservative positions are in foreign affairs, disability funding, and some entitlement reform.  

I will of course rant about my other passion, medicine as well.  I am a nephrologist and internist; a nephrologist is a kidney doctor.  We deal with such things as kidney transplantation, dialysis and chronic kidney disease.  The politics of medicine is a hot button issue with me.. but i also just to love to discuss interesting cases.