Terrified.

Hi Universe,

As I transition to being a parent.. I get more terrified of it. People always told me how busy I'd be, and really while that's true, the terror is what's really getting to me.. Terror about what? Overwhelming inadequacy.

I am not the type to seek approval... from anyone really.  I was probably the least popular person in school, but it never bothered me one bit.  When I came out to my parents, I was really sad for them.   I was very apprehensive about it, but I was never worried about them being  disappointed in me.  At work, I have always been loud.. never concerned about what people thought of me.

So now for the first time I desperately seek approval: and its from two zero year olds.  This of course is impossible to obtain. 

Somehow, you don't need appreciation for sacrificing your sleep, burping, and cleaning up the endless volumes of feces, urine and vomit... that is really thanked only by the OMG moments.  OMG moments are when you can laugh about how that last fecal blowout took out the whole block.

More than appreciation, I am craving approval.   You want some inclination that your doing it right.  That's essentially nonexistent when one baby has been crying for > 1 hr.  At that point you feel like someone has knocked you in the stomach, kicked you in the face and stabbed you in the heart all about the same time. Now when they both do that, you add a little bit of insanity because a part of you just wants them to shut their pie/ass/all holes for a minute.  While I dont think either of them truly has colic, a medical wastebasket term for overly fussy baby, they can both be quite dramatic.  Most of this seems to center around farting and pooping... but its sometimes unclear. But all I can say as I'm " calmly" rocking them (and now myself) is "I'm so sorry baby its gonna be ok", which I am sure if I keep repeating a few more hundred times I'll believe and they will suddenly comprehend English and have an "Aha" moment in which they look at me say "Oh I'm just farting I get it now... no biggie.Thanks papa!"